So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
