You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
