It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
