Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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