Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
