the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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