Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
