I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
