dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
