Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
