I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
