Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
