the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
