@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
