I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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