Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
