hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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