I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you mean i was at the winter classic?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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