You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
