I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
