My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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