My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize