im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
