Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
