can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i think i just lost a toe
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
