Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
