I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
