Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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