you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize