My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
