How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
