Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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