i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
