i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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