btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
