My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
