So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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