I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
