after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
