Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
