my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
