Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
