I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
