hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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