How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
