Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
