The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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