I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
