He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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