you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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