I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize