I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize