Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
