I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize