my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
