youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
