I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
