I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
