hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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